Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Boob out! April 24, 2010

MAking a boob of yourself!

I went swimming with my kids today.

I squashed into lasts years tankini.

Feeling rather chuffed that it did still fit, and that my winter of foraging hadn’t done too much damage!

My little boy hasn’t been swimming for a while, so he was very excited, but a little nervous.

Child clinging to me, like a flea to a dog.

We entered the water.

It was all fun in the shallows.

Then my son decided to get brave.

So he can’t swim, and isn’t wearing any inflatables!

In he walks.

Suddenly he realises that he can no longer stand, and more seriously he can’t breathe under water -clearly his gills have let him down!!

So he starts grabbing at me.

From that moment on, he is permanently attached.

It was at this moment I realised that you should buy a new swimming costume every year, because apparently they stretch, and no longer hold in the bits that you really should hold in.

All of a sudden,out popped a boob!

Crap, shit, bugger, bollocks!

Desperately I try to poke my boob back in, but my child is splashing about like some kind of rabid dog, making it impossible to poke in boob and secure halter neck!

Dilemma: Do I save my youngest child from near certain drowning death, or, fight off child and try to maintain some sort of dignity by repairing tankini and therefore securing my buoyant breasts.

Sod it, people are looking.

I decide to fight off child and balance him on knee, whist simultaneously returning boob to swimming costume and re-tieing  halter neck in a double knot.

Now thats multitasking!!!

Take note men, and ask yourself….

Could you re-tuck your knob into your speedo’s and save a child from drowning, in one fowl swoop??


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