Deck chairs belong on the beach freak...they are not car passenger seats!
My cars been out of action for a week now! It is most un-fucking-convenient. So when the eccentric neighbor two doors away offers me a lift I take him up on it. OK so the car is old and a bit dirty. At this point I shall abstain from a cheap pun about: “So is his wife” Although I hasten to add that she is.
So I open door to old and dirty vehicle and my nostrils are instantly raped by the stench of bleach and well, to put it bluntly (cos course is my middle name) PISS! My eyes quickly scan the cars interior and I am struck by the fact that the passenger seat is missing! Where the fuck am I gonna sit?
Eccentric Neighbour: “I know what your thinking”
I bet you fucking don’t!?
Eccentric Neighbour: “Your wondering where your gonna perch your rear”
Ok…so he reads mind, as well pissing in his car!
Where am I gonna sit? Er…It had crossed my mind. I’ve seen old, dirty bitch wife get into this piss bucket. Is she fucking kneeling? Come to think of it, I’ve only ever seen her in this car, perhaps she’s a dwarf. A vertically challenged woman, to match her mentally challenged husband.
Eccentric Neighbour: “Ta da!” Suddenly and to my amazement he pulls out a deck chair from the boot. My mouth gapes open in astonishment as he positions it where the missing passenger seat should be.
Eccentric Neighbour: “You didn’t think that I’d let you sit on the floor did you?”
No of course not! I laugh a little nervously.
Forgive me, but I actually…foolishy thought that I might sit on a chair. One that was attached to a fucking seat belt!
I’m thinking surely this can’t be real…somebody must be filming me for some fucked up episode of Civillian PUNK’D.
Think of an excuse you dumb bitch! Why don’t you need the lift anymore? I can’t come up with anything, I don’t know if it’s the smell, or the whole bizareness of the situation, but my mind is just a complete blank. Come on! Shit, your usually so good at lying. WTF is wrong with you?
Eccentric Neighbour: “The floors reserved for the dog”
“Ahhh” I reply and nod. Thinking how much worse this would be, if he had just said it was reserved for dogging!
Eccentric Neighbour: “Well get in then”
In the absence of a good excuse and with my British trait of not wanting to be rude firmly embedded I decide to get in! I know…WTF was I thinking? I put my designer clad UGG foot into the car and am just detecting the first signs of a little squelchy dampness, when my Eccentric Neighbour continues his ramblings:
“Yeah we have to put old Lara on the floor, she’s incontinent see, pisses all over the place. Problems with her back passage…it’s like bloody Niagra falls”
Retract foot quicky and announce: “OMG you have just reminded me that my mother is coming today”
Eccentric Neighbour: “Ahh! And she’s got bladder problems as well has she?”
No she fucking hasn’t you strange, strange little man. Thanks for the offer, but I’m not ready to hurtle to my death in the piss-mobile just yet.
Moral of this story: Never, ever, ever, except lifts from stange old men! Well apart from my Dad, as he has recently given up pissing in his car!