Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Neighbour affair April 27, 2010

Get this.

I am awoken one night with the sounds of domestic doom coming from my next door neighbours house.

It seems all is not at one.

Having recovered from my shock awakening, I start to listen.

Whats more, I start to enjoy- its like a scene from Eastenders, but better.

After all , in the morning I get to look them in the eye and lord my superiority over them.

I now no the ins and outs of all their dirty history!

Anyway, the lording about didn’t last long, as she was gone by morning.

Kid, washing machine and fuck off wide screen tv in toe ( The tv, now that must have really griped him)!

The dust settled, well if you call 48 hours later moving your ex(of 48 hrs)partners best friend in, settled.

Now, call me shallow, call me whatever the fuck you want. None of this bothered me.

What gets right on my tits is, the new perky blond woman he has in there, walks round like she has a giant stick up her arse.

I say ‘hello’ to her, and she sticks her nose in the air and blanks me, yet a man offers her the hand of friendship and she all tits and arse friendly!

I couldn’t give a bollox about her affair ( wrong- you just don’t ride your best friends disco stick), but its brian stunned slappers like her, that give us Brit girls a bad name.

Shame on you- use your brain not your tits!


Never Accept Lifts from Strange Old Men April 4, 2010

Deck chairs belong on the beach freak...they are not car passenger seats!

My cars been out of action for a week now! It is most un-fucking-convenient. So when the eccentric neighbor two doors away offers me a lift I take him up on it. OK so the car is old and a bit dirty. At this point I shall abstain from a cheap pun about: “So is his wife” Although I hasten to add that she is.

So I open door to old and dirty vehicle and my nostrils are instantly raped by the stench of bleach and well, to put it bluntly (cos course is my middle name) PISS! My eyes quickly scan the cars interior and I am struck by the fact that the passenger seat is missing! Where the fuck am I gonna sit?

Eccentric Neighbour: “I know what your thinking”

I bet you fucking don’t!?

Eccentric Neighbour: “Your wondering where your gonna perch your rear”

Ok…so he reads mind, as well pissing in his car!

Where am I gonna sit? Er…It had crossed my mind. I’ve seen old, dirty bitch wife get into this piss bucket. Is she fucking kneeling? Come to think of it, I’ve only ever seen her in this car, perhaps she’s a dwarf. A vertically challenged woman, to match her mentally challenged husband.

Eccentric Neighbour: “Ta da!” Suddenly and to my amazement he pulls out a deck chair from the boot. My mouth gapes open in astonishment as he positions it where the missing passenger seat should be.

Eccentric Neighbour: “You didn’t think that I’d let you sit on the floor did you?”

No of course not! I laugh a little nervously.

Forgive me, but I actually…foolishy thought that I might sit on a chair. One that was attached to a fucking seat belt!

I’m thinking surely this can’t be real…somebody must be filming me for some fucked up episode of Civillian PUNK’D.

Think of an excuse you dumb bitch! Why don’t you need the lift anymore? I can’t come up with anything, I don’t know if it’s the smell, or the whole bizareness of the situation, but my mind is just a complete blank. Come on! Shit, your usually so good at lying. WTF is wrong with you?

Eccentric Neighbour: “The floors reserved for the dog”

“Ahhh” I reply and nod. Thinking how much worse this would be, if he had just said it was reserved for dogging!

Eccentric Neighbour: “Well get in then”

In the absence of a good excuse and with my British trait of not wanting to be rude firmly embedded I decide to get in! I know…WTF was I thinking? I put my designer clad UGG foot into the car and am just detecting the first signs of a little squelchy dampness, when my Eccentric Neighbour continues his ramblings:

“Yeah we have to put old Lara on the floor, she’s incontinent see, pisses all over the place. Problems with her back passage…it’s like bloody Niagra falls”

Retract foot quicky and announce: “OMG you have just reminded me that my mother is coming today”

Eccentric Neighbour: “Ahh! And she’s got bladder problems as well has she?”

No she fucking hasn’t you strange, strange little man. Thanks for the offer, but I’m not ready to hurtle to my death in the piss-mobile just yet.

Moral of this story: Never, ever, ever, except lifts from stange old men! Well apart from my Dad, as he has recently given up pissing in his car!