Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A mothers time is most certainly not her own. October 31, 2011

Any of you mums out there will know that, when you pop out a baby, from that second onwards your time is no longer your own.

Never will you have a wee in the peace and tranquility your urine deserves, because the minute you release those pelvic muscles (well those muscles that weren’t destroyed by the trauma that is childbirth) and the wee starts to flow , you will suddenly hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, in my case the not so tiny patter of 8 and 5 year old feet.

So it begins ” Mum, you said we could have something out the sweetie jar, Mum you said I could go on the laptop!!

Its funny I don’t remember making any of these promises.

For some reason I always start to enter into dialogue with them, then suddenly, it strikes me, why am I sitting on the loo arguing about sweets surely the sweets can wait the 5 minutes that I have oh so selfishly alacated to myself!

The bathroom for us Mums is clearly know longer a relaxing tranquil environment in which to relax and have ME time, no, it is now a place to perform every day necessary functions such as going to the toilet and washing.

Speed is of the essence, as no member of your family ( I include the fully grown adult who shares the house with you, commonly known as The Husband, in that comment) can possibly do without your presence ( the real reason 2 in 1 shampoo was invented) for more than 5 minutes.

This weekend I was having one of those relaxing 5 minute shower breaks when in bursts Youngest son. He informs me he has something really important to tell me, so I listen incase someone has drowned in their frosties. Turns out its not that important, Daddy can’t find the controls!

I look at my darling boy, but he is all of a sudden distracted…….” Mummy why is your willy furry?”.

Ok, two things, must spend time explaining to youngest son that boys have willys and girls have bitbits ( at 5 vagina seems a little harsh!), and I really must book that waxing appointment!

 

A meeting of minds-retarded minds! June 9, 2010

The staffroom was its usual inspiring self today.

I’m sitting there supping on my tea, trying to eat my banana in my most non-sexual way, purve boss is clearly checking out my lip sucking skills.

The Squirrel comes in, her bag bursting with high calorie lardy snacks.

She whips open her foil package,  the smile on her face tells me, she has been waiting for this moment. The whole 2, yes 2 hours since school started this morning.

She reveals two heavily buttered slices of bread, and then cracks open a packet of salt and vinager- declaring “You can’t beat a crisp sandwich” Clearly not, you lard arse.

Just as she’s about to start describing, her love of the deep-fried foods, in walks Dumb arse bitch (DAB).

Am I about to witness the meeting of minds, retarded Nasa of the future?

DAB: ” Oh that looks nice, I haven’t had one of them in ages, my Jake loves a nice sandwich. Problem is, the bread just gets stuck in his brace” This kid must look like one hell of a freak, he has a dodgy eye, a nervous twitch and braces stuffed with last nights dinner. His class mates must be having it on their toes with that kind of material at their finger tips.

The Squirrel: ” I had a brace, I was always getting food stuck in it” I’m surprised you were willing to share your food with your brace- wonders will never siese. ” You need to make sure he brushes his teeth properly” Fuck me she should write a parenting book!

DAB: ” Well I do try. I was doing his teeth last night and I found a bit of  Tuesdays tea in it” That fucking freak could have a whole chicken stuck in his brace and it still wouldn’t detract from his twitching.

The Staffroom a place of intelligent conversation, not in my school, a place where retards are free to express themselves.

The world would be a more retarded place with those muppets educating the young and impressionable.

 

Just say NO! May 18, 2010

Maybe I’m just a little to protective.

But I have just watched a woman give her two-year old chewing gum.

Now, I don’t mean to be judge mental ( even thought , I am bloody good at it), but that’s fucking stupid.

Errrr, love. Have you ever heard of choking??

Or did you miss that parenting class.

Along with the one about telling your fucking kid, NO now and again.

Maybe just maybe, that’s why the world is full of obnoxious childish twats.

Because, Mummy never said NO.

Get the tit out of your mouth, he’s a big boy now and tell him fucking NO!

Deal with it now.

Or this dickhead ain’t ever gonna get a girlfriend.

 No self respecting girl is gonna want  a bloke who spits the dummy everytime she says NO!

 

Snotty Pikey kids. May 10, 2010

Why do pikey kids perminately have snot smeared across their faces.

They apply it like there mums do foundation, with a trowel and no mirror.

Does all that chip fat destroy the feelings in their dirty little faces.

So they can no longer feel the slime that engulfes their skin.

Mum’s, stop watching Jeremy Kyle, put down your fag and get a fucking tissue.

Your kid has more snot on him than last nights pie and chips.

 

Boob out! April 24, 2010

MAking a boob of yourself!

I went swimming with my kids today.

I squashed into lasts years tankini.

Feeling rather chuffed that it did still fit, and that my winter of foraging hadn’t done too much damage!

My little boy hasn’t been swimming for a while, so he was very excited, but a little nervous.

Child clinging to me, like a flea to a dog.

We entered the water.

It was all fun in the shallows.

Then my son decided to get brave.

So he can’t swim, and isn’t wearing any inflatables!

In he walks.

Suddenly he realises that he can no longer stand, and more seriously he can’t breathe under water -clearly his gills have let him down!!

So he starts grabbing at me.

From that moment on, he is permanently attached.

It was at this moment I realised that you should buy a new swimming costume every year, because apparently they stretch, and no longer hold in the bits that you really should hold in.

All of a sudden,out popped a boob!

Crap, shit, bugger, bollocks!

Desperately I try to poke my boob back in, but my child is splashing about like some kind of rabid dog, making it impossible to poke in boob and secure halter neck!

Dilemma: Do I save my youngest child from near certain drowning death, or, fight off child and try to maintain some sort of dignity by repairing tankini and therefore securing my buoyant breasts.

Sod it, people are looking.

I decide to fight off child and balance him on knee, whist simultaneously returning boob to swimming costume and re-tieing  halter neck in a double knot.

Now thats multitasking!!!

Take note men, and ask yourself….

Could you re-tuck your knob into your speedo’s and save a child from drowning, in one fowl swoop??

 

Zero raspberry tolerants. April 19, 2010

I was waiting for my 6 year old daughter to finish school.

The classroom door opened, all the little darlings piled out. All except for one.

And then it happened, the moment every parent waiting in the playground dreads.

The teacher eyes are on you, she points and mutters those fateful words “could you come in for a minute Mrs Bates”.

At this point every fucker in the playground is looking at you, you with the out of control child! Each parent thinking the same thing  ‘ Thank fuck it isn’t me’ and ‘Wonder what Shes done’ followed by the smug parent look.

Across the playground, doing the walk of shame I go.

I enter the classroom and am jestered to sit on the chair next to my delinquent child.

I look at her, you no the look, the I’m going to kick your arse when we get home ,look.

delinquent child stares firmly at the floor.

The grassing up begins.

Teacher: ” There was a problem in the playground today, Daisy and another child (why do they say that, another child, just tell me the fucking name, I’m going to find out the other kids name, during the 3 hour interrogation that I am already planning in my head) blew a raspberry in a childs face.

Hold the front page, 6-year-old blows raspberry at school, it’ll be gun crime before you no it!

Suddenly I start to feel confused, so she got me in here for that. There must be more to it.

Teacher: “Because of this, Daisy had to spend 20 minutes in year 2 as her punishment”.

I decide to be a good parent, and question my raspberry blowing maniac child.

Mum:” So Daisy what happened”. At this point my child is looking at me, equally confused, raspberries in our house are funny!

Delinquent child: ” Aliesha told me to f-u-c…..”

Mum:” She starts sounding out”, ” Ok, ok you don’t need to sound it out”.

Delinquent child: ” …off, so we blow a raspberry”.

Mum: ” Thank you for filling me in, clearly this ‘other’ child provoked them, but I respect you rules and will speak to Daisy at home”.

             ” I am assuming, the child who swore has been suitably punished?”

Teacher ” Well we didn’t see or hear the other child, so I’m afraid…”

So let me get this right. The sneaky little fucker with a mouth like a toilet, gets away scott free and the age appropriate response gets punished.

What a crock of shite.

I leave hastily. Fucking education system!

 

Inappropriate Parents. April 9, 2010

I was quite brave when I had my second child. I stayed at home until I could bare it no longer. When I got to hospital there were no beds for me, bollocky NHS, 8 cm dilated and no bed!

So there I am contracting in the waiting room, trying to look cool. When who should walk by, the mother of one of my pupils. It turns out she is one of the assistant midwives there.

A quick ‘hello’ would be fine, but no, down she sat next to me, and proceeded to orchestrate a parent teacher consultation.

Do you no what the really stupid thing was, instead of telling her to fuck right off and that I couldn’t give a shit about her window licker of a son, I actually took part in it!

It must have been the hormones!