Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A mothers time is most certainly not her own. October 31, 2011

Any of you mums out there will know that, when you pop out a baby, from that second onwards your time is no longer your own.

Never will you have a wee in the peace and tranquility your urine deserves, because the minute you release those pelvic muscles (well those muscles that weren’t destroyed by the trauma that is childbirth) and the wee starts to flow , you will suddenly hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, in my case the not so tiny patter of 8 and 5 year old feet.

So it begins ” Mum, you said we could have something out the sweetie jar, Mum you said I could go on the laptop!!

Its funny I don’t remember making any of these promises.

For some reason I always start to enter into dialogue with them, then suddenly, it strikes me, why am I sitting on the loo arguing about sweets surely the sweets can wait the 5 minutes that I have oh so selfishly alacated to myself!

The bathroom for us Mums is clearly know longer a relaxing tranquil environment in which to relax and have ME time, no, it is now a place to perform every day necessary functions such as going to the toilet and washing.

Speed is of the essence, as no member of your family ( I include the fully grown adult who shares the house with you, commonly known as The Husband, in that comment) can possibly do without your presence ( the real reason 2 in 1 shampoo was invented) for more than 5 minutes.

This weekend I was having one of those relaxing 5 minute shower breaks when in bursts Youngest son. He informs me he has something really important to tell me, so I listen incase someone has drowned in their frosties. Turns out its not that important, Daddy can’t find the controls!

I look at my darling boy, but he is all of a sudden distracted…….” Mummy why is your willy furry?”.

Ok, two things, must spend time explaining to youngest son that boys have willys and girls have bitbits ( at 5 vagina seems a little harsh!), and I really must book that waxing appointment!

 

Pissing Pets! April 14, 2010

Filed under: Random Crap,The Daily Bitch.,Uncategorized — bitchpedia @ 8:54 pm
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………

Feeling slightly better now.

Well the long Easter weekend was lovely……Apart from the fact that those old fuckers turned up, without an invite!

By ‘those fuckers’, I am of cause referring to my in-laws.

Not only did they turn up without an invite, but they also brought with them their fucking retarded dog.

This dog is a nasty fucker, not only is it an ugly little bastard, but it also thinks nothing of attacking my small children at a moments notice.

Now. I love animals, I have a house full of them ( I’m not even including the kids and husband), I am one of these people who takes in waifs and strays. Honestly, my house resembles a seen from ‘Animal Farm’ ( get your mind out of the gutter, not that Animal Farm) at times!

But this little fucker walks around my house attacking my children and my dog, and all those old gits say ” She won’t like  Oscar doing that”, what.. touching her WTF!

This dog clearly rules the roost in their house.

When Oscar was 6 months old he was really poorly, he had a temp of well over 100 and couldn’t breath. So he was in hospital for a while. I rang those knobs to let them know what was going on and do you know what they said ” Oh dear, we’ve had a similar problem with the dog, the vet thinks it hay fever,  poor wee thing” 

Are you fucking joking…. seriously don’t compare my lovely little boy with that hairy little mutt. You would think that the news of their grandson being seriously poorly would have rated higher in their list  of priorities than the fucking dog – apparently not!

So your beginning to get the picture.

I could go on and on with my angry mutt stories.

Anyway…. Their here, I must make the best of it – eek!

It’s a lovely spring day, so we decide to take a stroll down to the local park, feed the ducks and walk the dogs ( well it gets that fucking thing out of my house).

We have a lovely day so I decide to open my big gob and invite them to stay for lunch- followed quickly by a look of WTF are you doing from my husband, their doting son!!!!!

We drop everyone home, and off I pop to the shop for some lunch bits.

I get back home to find my husband on his hands an knees scrubbing  my brand new EXPENSIVE shaggy rug, He looks at me and I look at him.  

Mad as fuck wife: ” Whats happened”

Husband: ” What do you think has happened, that little fucker has pissed on it”

Reach for cover kids…..Mums going to go fucking mental!

We have just spent 2 hours at the park, and that stupid shit of a dog chooses to come in my house and piss all over my nice house.

But do you want to know what really fucks me off, her bloody owners didn’t even apologise.

Horrible little piss pot!

Get that dog out of my fucking house, before you have to surgically remove its arse from my foot!

 

East End Hunk-o-licious. March 30, 2010

Filed under: Celebrity Bash,Uncategorized — bitchpedia @ 6:23 pm
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Hunk in trunks!

Emmmmmm…..Jack Branning…..What more can I say!

He is lush, lush,lush!

The only problem….the ginger gene!

 

The wrong piercing! March 26, 2010

Filed under: Gene Pool Rejects,Random Crap,The Daily Bitch.,Uncategorized — bitchpedia @ 8:41 pm
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What I’m about to write is wrong in so many ways.

Picture this, I suggested to a friend that we meet for coffee in town , catch up and maybe do a bit of shopping.

The word got round, and we ended up a group of 5.

So, there we are sitting in Costa sipping on our lattes, chatting about random average subjects.

When out of  know where, Susie suddenly shouts out ” I pierced my own clitoris”.

Silence filled the coffee lounge.

Clearly everyone, even the people on the next table, were thinking they same thing, What the fuck, followed shortly by How the fuck!!!

Like I said at the start, wrong in so many ways!!!

 

Court madness. March 24, 2010

It was time for my husband to up grade his car. So we did the normal thing, bought the new one and then advertised the old one in the local paper.

The car needed a couple of bits doing to it, so we had up for sale dead cheap, and noted in the advert any ailments the car had.

Along came a potential buyer( wearing a rather scary grey track suit, including food stains, which didn’t cover his gigantic belly), he spent a while looking over it, we went over what was wrong with it, he took it out for a test drive.

The very same buyer( still in the aforementioned track suit) came back for a second look.

Third time lucky(still in the same track suit, with 3 days worth of food stainage), he returned and decided he wanted the car. He paid the money, did the paperwork and off he went with his new car.

Anyway 4 months passed.

I got home from work and there was a letter from the local law courts, instructing us that he was taking us to court, because the car had failed its mot(4 months after we sold it).

So, loads of paperwork later. My husband took the day off work ( they didn’t need to do that, as neither of them work), and trundled off

 to court in his freshly dry cleaned suit.

There the handsome couple(!) were, and yes you got it in there very best grey tracksuits.

The case was called into court, in everyone went.

I believe the Judge took one look at the tracksuited pair and their inability to control their dimwitted gobs.

Needless to say, we won that one!