Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A meeting of minds-retarded minds! June 9, 2010

The staffroom was its usual inspiring self today.

I’m sitting there supping on my tea, trying to eat my banana in my most non-sexual way, purve boss is clearly checking out my lip sucking skills.

The Squirrel comes in, her bag bursting with high calorie lardy snacks.

She whips open her foil package,  the smile on her face tells me, she has been waiting for this moment. The whole 2, yes 2 hours since school started this morning.

She reveals two heavily buttered slices of bread, and then cracks open a packet of salt and vinager- declaring “You can’t beat a crisp sandwich” Clearly not, you lard arse.

Just as she’s about to start describing, her love of the deep-fried foods, in walks Dumb arse bitch (DAB).

Am I about to witness the meeting of minds, retarded Nasa of the future?

DAB: ” Oh that looks nice, I haven’t had one of them in ages, my Jake loves a nice sandwich. Problem is, the bread just gets stuck in his brace” This kid must look like one hell of a freak, he has a dodgy eye, a nervous twitch and braces stuffed with last nights dinner. His class mates must be having it on their toes with that kind of material at their finger tips.

The Squirrel: ” I had a brace, I was always getting food stuck in it” I’m surprised you were willing to share your food with your brace- wonders will never siese. ” You need to make sure he brushes his teeth properly” Fuck me she should write a parenting book!

DAB: ” Well I do try. I was doing his teeth last night and I found a bit of  Tuesdays tea in it” That fucking freak could have a whole chicken stuck in his brace and it still wouldn’t detract from his twitching.

The Staffroom a place of intelligent conversation, not in my school, a place where retards are free to express themselves.

The world would be a more retarded place with those muppets educating the young and impressionable.

 

Spray on hair. May 12, 2010

Have you ever got up at stupid o’clock on a Saturday morning.

Well thanks to my kids, I do every frigging week.

I was flicking through the channels for the cartoons.

When suddenly, there on the shopping channel was….Spray on hair!

We are talking hair in a can.

At this point, I blocked out the children’s cries of ” where’s Rory, can we watch our programmes”, and sat there stunned, sickened but strangely amazed.

This man was sitting on a chair, with his bald head reflecting all the studio lights.

That must be a technical nightmare.

The man is sitting there having a mass of thick black hair sprayed on his head.

He is brandishing a head full of pubes, and actually looks pleased with the results.

Are you fucking joking, someone has just painted your head with spray on pubic hair, and you are pleased about this??

What happens if you go out and it starts raining?

All of a sudden you will have giant pubic sideburns and eyebrows of the streaked variety.

If your bald, get over it and shave your head.

Spray on hair, what a crock of desperate crap.

 

Snotty Pikey kids. May 10, 2010

Why do pikey kids perminately have snot smeared across their faces.

They apply it like there mums do foundation, with a trowel and no mirror.

Does all that chip fat destroy the feelings in their dirty little faces.

So they can no longer feel the slime that engulfes their skin.

Mum’s, stop watching Jeremy Kyle, put down your fag and get a fucking tissue.

Your kid has more snot on him than last nights pie and chips.

 

Thong gone wrong! May 8, 2010

Theres’ nothing like lazing about on a sun-kissed beach.

Its 32 degrees.

The sea is lapping up the beach, each gentle wave engulfing the grains of sand that glisten beneath it.

The cool turquoise water teasing my toes as it serenades the edges of the shore.

This is heaven, this is bliss.

What more could a girl need.

The kids entertain the hyperactive husband, with sand sculpting and frisbee.

Leaving me free to read my novel and titanate my taste buds with a wet, cold fruity cocktail ( with a hint of vodka, of course ).

Ahhhhhhh I am relaxed, I am no longer the bitch on heat, I used to be.

WTF is that!!

Suddenly, I am struck with a vision which is set to disturb me for years to come.

I blink my eyes, surely this is a mirage of the disturbed kind.

For there, standing before me is a sight that could fry the hardest of retina.

A pensioner in a thong, complete with hairy arse crack and poking out toger.

Clear the fucking beach, women and children first.

There is nothing we can do for him now, he has clearly abandoned his dignity at Gatwick.

Avoid all eye contact, after all what could I possibly say to him.

“Err excuse me mate, have you got oil on that, only your toger is pinking up!”

I know the ‘show and tell’ story my kids are going to be taking home with them!

 

Petty bitch face grooming! May 3, 2010

I was sitting in the staffroom having a quiet cup of tea.

In walks Little Miss Petty Bitch.

She sits her tight arse down opposite me.

And then she starts grooming her face.

She’s actually sitting there playing with her facial hair.

WTF!

I’m left wondering…. Will she be sporting a full on handle bar moustache by morning.

 

Hoof faced Katie. March 25, 2010

Filed under: Celebrity Bash — bitchpedia @ 10:28 pm
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Katie Price- WTF has happened to her face.

She looks like she has been stamped on by a hoof!