Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A mothers time is most certainly not her own. October 31, 2011

Any of you mums out there will know that, when you pop out a baby, from that second onwards your time is no longer your own.

Never will you have a wee in the peace and tranquility your urine deserves, because the minute you release those pelvic muscles (well those muscles that weren’t destroyed by the trauma that is childbirth) and the wee starts to flow , you will suddenly hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, in my case the not so tiny patter of 8 and 5 year old feet.

So it begins ” Mum, you said we could have something out the sweetie jar, Mum you said I could go on the laptop!!

Its funny I don’t remember making any of these promises.

For some reason I always start to enter into dialogue with them, then suddenly, it strikes me, why am I sitting on the loo arguing about sweets surely the sweets can wait the 5 minutes that I have oh so selfishly alacated to myself!

The bathroom for us Mums is clearly know longer a relaxing tranquil environment in which to relax and have ME time, no, it is now a place to perform every day necessary functions such as going to the toilet and washing.

Speed is of the essence, as no member of your family ( I include the fully grown adult who shares the house with you, commonly known as The Husband, in that comment) can possibly do without your presence ( the real reason 2 in 1 shampoo was invented) for more than 5 minutes.

This weekend I was having one of those relaxing 5 minute shower breaks when in bursts Youngest son. He informs me he has something really important to tell me, so I listen incase someone has drowned in their frosties. Turns out its not that important, Daddy can’t find the controls!

I look at my darling boy, but he is all of a sudden distracted…….” Mummy why is your willy furry?”.

Ok, two things, must spend time explaining to youngest son that boys have willys and girls have bitbits ( at 5 vagina seems a little harsh!), and I really must book that waxing appointment!


Inappropriate Parents. April 9, 2010

I was quite brave when I had my second child. I stayed at home until I could bare it no longer. When I got to hospital there were no beds for me, bollocky NHS, 8 cm dilated and no bed!

So there I am contracting in the waiting room, trying to look cool. When who should walk by, the mother of one of my pupils. It turns out she is one of the assistant midwives there.

A quick ‘hello’ would be fine, but no, down she sat next to me, and proceeded to orchestrate a parent teacher consultation.

Do you no what the really stupid thing was, instead of telling her to fuck right off and that I couldn’t give a shit about her window licker of a son, I actually took part in it!

It must have been the hormones!


Postnatal Pervert! March 24, 2010

Those of you out there who have shot a baby out the natural way, will know, leave your dignity at the door.

Having  just spent 32 hours in pain and 2 hours of pushing and panting, finally my little bundle of  joy arrived.

A little scared to have a wee, I decided to take the bull by the horns, and drunk 2 jugs of water.

After a while the inevitable happened. So I’m sitting on the loo having a wee, completely naked ( was going to have a shower before I went down to the ward) when in walks the porter.

The normal response to this situation is to jump up and slam the door  (swollen crutch doesn’t allow for quick movement), but instead of leaving he just stands there.

So I say: “Er…Hello!”

He replies: ” ” I’ve come for your bags love”

So I say: ” Can you come back later”

What kind of fuck off perve was he? Seriously, to all you male porters out there, if you walk in on a giant postnatal woman sitting on the loo- then for fuck sake leave!


Midwife misshaps

Now childbirth is a stressful time for any woman, so what you don’t need is a cocky bitch as a midwife.

I’m lying on the bed sucking on the gas and air, I did ask for an epidural, but the fucking bitch lied and told me there wasn’t time!

 Trying to rest between contractions, when suddenly there was an arm up my crutch, she then had the nerve to say “push dear”. I’ll tell you what , get your arm out my crutch you silly bitch and I’ll push- was she taking the fuckin piss!