Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A meeting of minds-retarded minds! June 9, 2010

The staffroom was its usual inspiring self today.

I’m sitting there supping on my tea, trying to eat my banana in my most non-sexual way, purve boss is clearly checking out my lip sucking skills.

The Squirrel comes in, her bag bursting with high calorie lardy snacks.

She whips open her foil package,  the smile on her face tells me, she has been waiting for this moment. The whole 2, yes 2 hours since school started this morning.

She reveals two heavily buttered slices of bread, and then cracks open a packet of salt and vinager- declaring “You can’t beat a crisp sandwich” Clearly not, you lard arse.

Just as she’s about to start describing, her love of the deep-fried foods, in walks Dumb arse bitch (DAB).

Am I about to witness the meeting of minds, retarded Nasa of the future?

DAB: ” Oh that looks nice, I haven’t had one of them in ages, my Jake loves a nice sandwich. Problem is, the bread just gets stuck in his brace” This kid must look like one hell of a freak, he has a dodgy eye, a nervous twitch and braces stuffed with last nights dinner. His class mates must be having it on their toes with that kind of material at their finger tips.

The Squirrel: ” I had a brace, I was always getting food stuck in it” I’m surprised you were willing to share your food with your brace- wonders will never siese. ” You need to make sure he brushes his teeth properly” Fuck me she should write a parenting book!

DAB: ” Well I do try. I was doing his teeth last night and I found a bit of  Tuesdays tea in it” That fucking freak could have a whole chicken stuck in his brace and it still wouldn’t detract from his twitching.

The Staffroom a place of intelligent conversation, not in my school, a place where retards are free to express themselves.

The world would be a more retarded place with those muppets educating the young and impressionable.


Petty Bitch laugh a minute. April 28, 2010

WTF is up with the woman.

I was sitting outside the classroom, and all I can hear is this cackle of fake laughter flowing through the windows.

Now, I no, this ain’t real laughter.

We are talking about someone who is so boring, she can make a room full of 11 year old boys, in a sex education class fall a sleep!

When you’re in her class, Proplus is a must!

Is she that fuckin deluded, that she believes that if she cackles loud enough, all around her will suddenly believe she got a sence of humour from the Easter bunny!!

Face it love, you’re a dull as fuck.

No amount of laughing is gonna change that!

Get back to your bleaching Miss Petty Bitch!


Stop Apologising! April 22, 2010


You spilt a drop of coffee on the bosses trousers. It’s not like you fucked his wife. Although…he may like that? You do his wife and then he won’t have to feel guilty about doing the cleaner. It’s a win, win! Yeah…do it, do it, do it…


Big bitch senior management. April 21, 2010

Arse9 v Trousers 0

I got to work this morning, and was full of the joys of spring- well maybe not full.

I set up the classroom and organised the first part of the day.

When in burst the iron lady. Otherwise known as Senior manager( a sad loser of a woman with no life).

She suddenly launches a massive one line bitch attack on me.

Senior manager: ” Why aren’t you at training” errrrr because its boring as fuck and my time would be better spent pulling an egg out of a chickens arse!

Insignificant me: ” I wanted to  speak to a parent, and …” the bitch cut me off with her over sized tongue.

Senior manager: ” That can wait, go to training”  she barked at me in her acid tone.

How fucking rude!

She waltzes in the classroom like a hippo on steroids.

Her giant arse narrowly escaping the clutches of the door frame.

Letting her fuck off gob go into overdrive…..

Who the fuck gave her the right to speck to me like that.

But what really gets on my rather perky tits, is, she then has the audacity to pass me in the staffroom and flash a sickly sweet smile at me.

As she walks off, her trousers are clearly having a fight with her arse crack and losing!

Fucking freak!

I tell you what, spend less time on your fucking computer and try getting a life, you horsing great loser.


Restaurant watch! April 10, 2010

The hubby and I decided it was time we went out for dinner.

So off the kids went to Nanny and Grandads.

Off down the High street we go.

I know I should have been staring into the Hubbys eyes, but what I was struck by was the freakish conversations going on around me.

There we are sitting in the restaurant enjoying a Peroni or two.

When on the next table, my eye is caught by a skeletal figure dresses in full on leopard print. She had a massive bowl of pasta in front of her, which she clearly isn’t going to eat. leaving the plate open to being attacked by the big fat fucker she’s brought along with her.

Anyway along comes the waiter, clears their plates, and asks them that magic question. “Would you like to see the pudding menu”.

Fuck me if ever you could on saved on some energy, that would have been the time, of course he wants pudding.

Pudding arrives, and anorexic leopard makes a swift exit for a fag.

I look over to the table and the big fat twat is actually licking the bowl, and has his big fat chubby sausage fingers in the bowl, like a pig in a trough.

Clearly the man is a fucking animal, maybe this is a situation of abuse , I start to wonder, maybe this poor girl has been forced into her frail skinny state. She wouldn’t stand a chance against him…. he clearly does eat all the pies and anything else the fat bastard can get his chubby mitts on!

They leave. I get back to my evening out.

But… hang on just one cotton picking second, whats that I spy….some sort of middle-aged 3 way going on. Well obviously I can’t ignore that.

So I start to watch.

Yes, I was right. Clearly all sorts of weird sexual fantasies are being played out, My suspicions are confirmed, when I go to the loo and who should pop out the cubicle next to me….Mr and Ms 3 way!!!!!!

At this point, I need to leave the restaurant and take refuge in the pub.

Hurrah! Normality, people drinking having normal conversations.

A few Vodka and cokes later, the taxi pulls up on the Green.

All in all, an entertaining and most pleasant evening.

To top it off, we had an entertaining taxi drive home, chauffeured by a high pitched, poker playing, ninja Chinese bloke. Who spent the entire time trying to encourage us to gamble our fare, double or nothing!!! WTF!



Inappropriate Parents. April 9, 2010

I was quite brave when I had my second child. I stayed at home until I could bare it no longer. When I got to hospital there were no beds for me, bollocky NHS, 8 cm dilated and no bed!

So there I am contracting in the waiting room, trying to look cool. When who should walk by, the mother of one of my pupils. It turns out she is one of the assistant midwives there.

A quick ‘hello’ would be fine, but no, down she sat next to me, and proceeded to orchestrate a parent teacher consultation.

Do you no what the really stupid thing was, instead of telling her to fuck right off and that I couldn’t give a shit about her window licker of a son, I actually took part in it!

It must have been the hormones!


The school bitch. April 8, 2010

Every school year has one, that bitch who hangs about the toilet block, and permanently looks like she’s been tango’d. Normally being followed by a bunch of reject wannabes!

My year bitch was Kim, Kim- not nice and extremely dim!

I found her on facebook the other day, she wanted to be my friend- yer, whatever!

To be fair, she’s done really well for herself.

I could see this by the way she advertised herself on her facebook profile in her bra and pants!

Mental note: Even page 3 girls need to be able to string a string a simple sentence together. ‘ Hi, my names Kim, I am a bit thick and have the face and personality of a goat. But don’t my tits look nice!’

I rest my case!