Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Just say NO! May 18, 2010

Maybe I’m just a little to protective.

But I have just watched a woman give her two-year old chewing gum.

Now, I don’t mean to be judge mental ( even thought , I am bloody good at it), but that’s fucking stupid.

Errrr, love. Have you ever heard of choking??

Or did you miss that parenting class.

Along with the one about telling your fucking kid, NO now and again.

Maybe just maybe, that’s why the world is full of obnoxious childish twats.

Because, Mummy never said NO.

Get the tit out of your mouth, he’s a big boy now and tell him fucking NO!

Deal with it now.

Or this dickhead ain’t ever gonna get a girlfriend.

 No self respecting girl is gonna want  a bloke who spits the dummy everytime she says NO!


Gay car. May 10, 2010

My boss thinks he’s a real ladies man.

He the head of a primary school.

He employs mainly thin blondes with pert boobs ( I must have slipped through the net ).

Well it gives him something to look at during meetings.

You think this is a joke, but trust me, throughout my whole interview, I don’t think he looked at my face once.

To be fair he might not be meaning to look at the breast department, but it must be hard to avoid that area when you’re a balding midget, as he is.

He seriously thinks himself a little bit of a ladies man, with his swarve (creepy), masterful (little man syndrome )presence.

Oh…how mistaken he is.

He is only one up, from a poison dwarf.

Everything about him oozes creepy perve.

You enter his lair (office ) at your own risk, a wondering hand could accidently grab a wedge of your arse at any moment.

There really is nothing about this man that would turn on a normal human being.

Unless of course you like purvey, midgets who drive  bright urine yellow Suzuki’s.

I mean, what the fuck was he thinking.

You might think you look like a hunk in tunks in you bright urine yellow 4×4, but everyone else thinks you look like a massive cock.

Mind you, it does kinda suit him. Cockhead man, cockhead car.

The gay car also suits some of his weirdo mannerisms, and it certainly complements some of his twatish sayings.

Which is mainly what comes out of his shit filled mouth.


Snotty Pikey kids.

Why do pikey kids perminately have snot smeared across their faces.

They apply it like there mums do foundation, with a trowel and no mirror.

Does all that chip fat destroy the feelings in their dirty little faces.

So they can no longer feel the slime that engulfes their skin.

Mum’s, stop watching Jeremy Kyle, put down your fag and get a fucking tissue.

Your kid has more snot on him than last nights pie and chips.


SILENCE! May 6, 2010

Today I have observed the teacher from hell A.K.A Little Miss Petty Bitch.

A child coughs she starts screaming at them to ‘respect her’.

What, like your husband does?

God help the child that doesn’t put their hand up. That recieves the “You are making me ill with all your rudeness” treatment, complete with witchy finger poked in their face.

Personally I think she should be focussing on her own identity crisis, rather than those of the children that are not even hers! But who am I?

Like the repressed nun that she is, silence is golden in her world. In fact it is the only thing she expects of the poor little bastards in her class. Can they read? Some of them. Can they add up and take-away? Fuck it who cares! Can they be quiet? She makes sure of it.

Today two boys had a ‘silent’ fight at their desks and that was fine.

A table of girls have become accomplished lip readers and had a full on ‘silent’ conversation throughout Miss Petty Bitches lesson input. But it was OK, they didn’t make any noise.

But I especially liked it when she praised a boy who had dozed off to the land of nod, for ‘doing good listening’.


The whole class protested.

“He was sleeping”

“Miss his eyes were closed…”

“…yeah and his head fell back”

“SILENCE! All of you have lost your playtime”

Oh, apart from sleeping boy, he can have a sticker!


Get some self-pride girl. April 30, 2010

I have an unfortunate child in my class.

Its self inflicted unfortunate freakness.

We are talking, sloth like gross behaviour.

She comes into school covered in grime and sweat.

This child doesn’t speak, she groans.

She sits there her legs perminately akimbo, mouth dropped open with a gormless expression filling her face.

Shoulders hunched, to the point of curvature of the spine setting in.

She groans ” I can’t do it ” She can never fucking do anything.

She groans again ” I hurt me leg” Did I mention that she is perminately complaining of some sort of ailment, head, throat, eye or limb injury.

She perminately has an ice pack attached to some part of her body. I hate to indulge, but its the ‘nanny state’ that we live in. Heaven forbid we don’t follow procedure!

This child needs a proper slap.

Have a wash, get some self pride and stop being so fucking growtesk!


The Sloth parent. April 29, 2010

It makes me so cross. Grrrrrrrr

I was in the classroom, when in walked two of the persistently late kids.

“Sorry I’m late” she drones from the door. ” My dad wants to talk to you”.


The mans a fucking prick.

I smile and say ok, secretly thinking, if he wanted to speak to me then he should try getting his lazy fat arse out of bed earlier and speak to me before school. Rather than interrupt the entire class.


Up I get, trying to take in multiple gulps of air.

My nazel passages are about to be violated.

I leave the room and sure enough, standing in front of me is the giant, dirty sloth of a man (I use the term man loosely, he’s more pig cross skunk beast ).

I deliberately stand as far back as possible, he fucking stinks, his humongous gut bulging over the top of his trousers and hanging out the bottom of his stained top.

I don’t want to make eye contact with him, but where do I look, he has dried toothpaste all around his mouth ( which kind of shocks me, so this family do have personal cleaning products who’d have thought it).

He starts moaning.

“Kileys brother as been given a behaviour book”  Yes, that’s because your shit parenting has made him feral.

” Kiley is feeling really left out, cause he keeps getting stuff when he’s good, and she don’t. So we were thinking, she could hav one as well” – No, fuckwitt, she can’t. I have better things to do with my time than panda to your fucking kids whims, cause you can’t control them.

I explain politely ( which pains me ) , that wasn’t possible due to the fact that she wasn’t badly behaved at school, yes, that’s right loser, she behaves for us because we have these little things called boundaries.

” He looks confused, maybe I used too many big words ”

Mental note: Keep language to 10 letter words or less.

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Sorry they were late, I got pulled over by the police cause I had 4 kids in the back. I don’t know what there problem is cause Tyler is only small”

Fuck me this man really is a moron!

Me: ” It doesn’t matter how big the children are, its down to the fact that you only have three seatbelts in the back. Even if they are really, really small, you can still only have 3 humans in the back of the car”  You have to ask yourself, should these people really be allowed to bare children?

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Yerrrr, maybe”  No, not fucking maybe freak. positively yes you cretinous freak.

Why the fuck am I wasting my time.

I end the conversation.

Life is too fucking short!

Somebody fucking shoot me.


Restaurant watch! April 10, 2010

The hubby and I decided it was time we went out for dinner.

So off the kids went to Nanny and Grandads.

Off down the High street we go.

I know I should have been staring into the Hubbys eyes, but what I was struck by was the freakish conversations going on around me.

There we are sitting in the restaurant enjoying a Peroni or two.

When on the next table, my eye is caught by a skeletal figure dresses in full on leopard print. She had a massive bowl of pasta in front of her, which she clearly isn’t going to eat. leaving the plate open to being attacked by the big fat fucker she’s brought along with her.

Anyway along comes the waiter, clears their plates, and asks them that magic question. “Would you like to see the pudding menu”.

Fuck me if ever you could on saved on some energy, that would have been the time, of course he wants pudding.

Pudding arrives, and anorexic leopard makes a swift exit for a fag.

I look over to the table and the big fat twat is actually licking the bowl, and has his big fat chubby sausage fingers in the bowl, like a pig in a trough.

Clearly the man is a fucking animal, maybe this is a situation of abuse , I start to wonder, maybe this poor girl has been forced into her frail skinny state. She wouldn’t stand a chance against him…. he clearly does eat all the pies and anything else the fat bastard can get his chubby mitts on!

They leave. I get back to my evening out.

But… hang on just one cotton picking second, whats that I spy….some sort of middle-aged 3 way going on. Well obviously I can’t ignore that.

So I start to watch.

Yes, I was right. Clearly all sorts of weird sexual fantasies are being played out, My suspicions are confirmed, when I go to the loo and who should pop out the cubicle next to me….Mr and Ms 3 way!!!!!!

At this point, I need to leave the restaurant and take refuge in the pub.

Hurrah! Normality, people drinking having normal conversations.

A few Vodka and cokes later, the taxi pulls up on the Green.

All in all, an entertaining and most pleasant evening.

To top it off, we had an entertaining taxi drive home, chauffeured by a high pitched, poker playing, ninja Chinese bloke. Who spent the entire time trying to encourage us to gamble our fare, double or nothing!!! WTF!