Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Just say NO! May 18, 2010

Maybe I’m just a little to protective.

But I have just watched a woman give her two-year old chewing gum.

Now, I don’t mean to be judge mental ( even thought , I am bloody good at it), but that’s fucking stupid.

Errrr, love. Have you ever heard of choking??

Or did you miss that parenting class.

Along with the one about telling your fucking kid, NO now and again.

Maybe just maybe, that’s why the world is full of obnoxious childish twats.

Because, Mummy never said NO.

Get the tit out of your mouth, he’s a big boy now and tell him fucking NO!

Deal with it now.

Or this dickhead ain’t ever gonna get a girlfriend.

 No self respecting girl is gonna want  a bloke who spits the dummy everytime she says NO!

 

Spray on hair. May 12, 2010

Have you ever got up at stupid o’clock on a Saturday morning.

Well thanks to my kids, I do every frigging week.

I was flicking through the channels for the cartoons.

When suddenly, there on the shopping channel was….Spray on hair!

We are talking hair in a can.

At this point, I blocked out the children’s cries of ” where’s Rory, can we watch our programmes”, and sat there stunned, sickened but strangely amazed.

This man was sitting on a chair, with his bald head reflecting all the studio lights.

That must be a technical nightmare.

The man is sitting there having a mass of thick black hair sprayed on his head.

He is brandishing a head full of pubes, and actually looks pleased with the results.

Are you fucking joking, someone has just painted your head with spray on pubic hair, and you are pleased about this??

What happens if you go out and it starts raining?

All of a sudden you will have giant pubic sideburns and eyebrows of the streaked variety.

If your bald, get over it and shave your head.

Spray on hair, what a crock of desperate crap.

 

The Sloth parent. April 29, 2010

It makes me so cross. Grrrrrrrr

I was in the classroom, when in walked two of the persistently late kids.

“Sorry I’m late” she drones from the door. ” My dad wants to talk to you”.

Crap!  

The mans a fucking prick.

I smile and say ok, secretly thinking, if he wanted to speak to me then he should try getting his lazy fat arse out of bed earlier and speak to me before school. Rather than interrupt the entire class.

Twat!

Up I get, trying to take in multiple gulps of air.

My nazel passages are about to be violated.

I leave the room and sure enough, standing in front of me is the giant, dirty sloth of a man (I use the term man loosely, he’s more pig cross skunk beast ).

I deliberately stand as far back as possible, he fucking stinks, his humongous gut bulging over the top of his trousers and hanging out the bottom of his stained top.

I don’t want to make eye contact with him, but where do I look, he has dried toothpaste all around his mouth ( which kind of shocks me, so this family do have personal cleaning products who’d have thought it).

He starts moaning.

“Kileys brother as been given a behaviour book”  Yes, that’s because your shit parenting has made him feral.

” Kiley is feeling really left out, cause he keeps getting stuff when he’s good, and she don’t. So we were thinking, she could hav one as well” – No, fuckwitt, she can’t. I have better things to do with my time than panda to your fucking kids whims, cause you can’t control them.

I explain politely ( which pains me ) , that wasn’t possible due to the fact that she wasn’t badly behaved at school, yes, that’s right loser, she behaves for us because we have these little things called boundaries.

” He looks confused, maybe I used too many big words ”

Mental note: Keep language to 10 letter words or less.

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Sorry they were late, I got pulled over by the police cause I had 4 kids in the back. I don’t know what there problem is cause Tyler is only small”

Fuck me this man really is a moron!

Me: ” It doesn’t matter how big the children are, its down to the fact that you only have three seatbelts in the back. Even if they are really, really small, you can still only have 3 humans in the back of the car”  You have to ask yourself, should these people really be allowed to bare children?

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Yerrrr, maybe”  No, not fucking maybe freak. positively yes you cretinous freak.

Why the fuck am I wasting my time.

I end the conversation.

Life is too fucking short!

Somebody fucking shoot me.

 

Sawing madness. April 8, 2010

WTF was I thinking!

    What the fuck was I thinking.

Its Sunday night, and as normal I’m busy getting everything ready for school and work.

I’m still not quite sure how I managed it, but I somehow  shut my own finger in the dish washer- plum alert!

My wedding finger started to swell.

My husband started to rant  “you better get those rings off”.

So I take his advise and start oiling up my finger. Off  came my engagement ring.

But my wedding ring was stuck fast.

At this point, the swelling is starting to hurt.

This is when his bright idea strikes him, he can save my finger from certain doom, by sawing, yes sawing the ring off.

Why the fuck at that point, I didn’t tell him to stick his saw up his rectum, I do not know.

I know he was just trying to save my finger!

So, there we are in the kitchen, husband looking through tool box.

The procedure begins.

He sticks a screwdriver under my ring to protect my hand. I’m laughing, why the fuck am I laughing!

He reaches into his toolbox, and pulls out this fuck off massive saw.

Errr…..if you think I’m going to let you near me with that, your having a fucking laugh!

“It’s fine, I know what I’m doing”- what you’ve had dealings with sawing limbs in the past, have you.

Mental note: look further into husbands past!

The sawing begins, and again, I’m fucking laughing, what the fuck is wrong with me!

Worryingly, he saws my hand with precise accuracy.

10 minutes later a little bruised and battered, the ring came off.

Husband: ” look, I think we got it off just in time”.

Yes, my husband the hero!!

Ordeal over, no harm done.

Please do not a temp this at home.

In normal circumstances if your husband suggests he tries his power tools out on you, run, run away fast. No good can come from this!

 Thanks for saving my finger love!

 

Love is in the air- or at least on the front cover of Ok! April 6, 2010

Filed under: Celebrity Bash,Crazy Bitches,Men Are Muppets — bitchpedia @ 8:12 pm
Tags: , ,

Loves young dream!

Have you heard the latest….

Apparently Kerry Katona and Peter Andre are in love!!

Through all the snorting, magazine deals and cheesy albums they re-kindled their special jungle friendship, and are now back in each others arms.

Now is that a match made in heaven, or what?- is it fuck?

££££££££££money,money,money££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££

 

Never Accept Lifts from Strange Old Men April 4, 2010

Deck chairs belong on the beach freak...they are not car passenger seats!

My cars been out of action for a week now! It is most un-fucking-convenient. So when the eccentric neighbor two doors away offers me a lift I take him up on it. OK so the car is old and a bit dirty. At this point I shall abstain from a cheap pun about: “So is his wife” Although I hasten to add that she is.

So I open door to old and dirty vehicle and my nostrils are instantly raped by the stench of bleach and well, to put it bluntly (cos course is my middle name) PISS! My eyes quickly scan the cars interior and I am struck by the fact that the passenger seat is missing! Where the fuck am I gonna sit?

Eccentric Neighbour: “I know what your thinking”

I bet you fucking don’t!?

Eccentric Neighbour: “Your wondering where your gonna perch your rear”

Ok…so he reads mind, as well pissing in his car!

Where am I gonna sit? Er…It had crossed my mind. I’ve seen old, dirty bitch wife get into this piss bucket. Is she fucking kneeling? Come to think of it, I’ve only ever seen her in this car, perhaps she’s a dwarf. A vertically challenged woman, to match her mentally challenged husband.

Eccentric Neighbour: “Ta da!” Suddenly and to my amazement he pulls out a deck chair from the boot. My mouth gapes open in astonishment as he positions it where the missing passenger seat should be.

Eccentric Neighbour: “You didn’t think that I’d let you sit on the floor did you?”

No of course not! I laugh a little nervously.

Forgive me, but I actually…foolishy thought that I might sit on a chair. One that was attached to a fucking seat belt!

I’m thinking surely this can’t be real…somebody must be filming me for some fucked up episode of Civillian PUNK’D.

Think of an excuse you dumb bitch! Why don’t you need the lift anymore? I can’t come up with anything, I don’t know if it’s the smell, or the whole bizareness of the situation, but my mind is just a complete blank. Come on! Shit, your usually so good at lying. WTF is wrong with you?

Eccentric Neighbour: “The floors reserved for the dog”

“Ahhh” I reply and nod. Thinking how much worse this would be, if he had just said it was reserved for dogging!

Eccentric Neighbour: “Well get in then”

In the absence of a good excuse and with my British trait of not wanting to be rude firmly embedded I decide to get in! I know…WTF was I thinking? I put my designer clad UGG foot into the car and am just detecting the first signs of a little squelchy dampness, when my Eccentric Neighbour continues his ramblings:

“Yeah we have to put old Lara on the floor, she’s incontinent see, pisses all over the place. Problems with her back passage…it’s like bloody Niagra falls”

Retract foot quicky and announce: “OMG you have just reminded me that my mother is coming today”

Eccentric Neighbour: “Ahh! And she’s got bladder problems as well has she?”

No she fucking hasn’t you strange, strange little man. Thanks for the offer, but I’m not ready to hurtle to my death in the piss-mobile just yet.

Moral of this story: Never, ever, ever, except lifts from stange old men! Well apart from my Dad, as he has recently given up pissing in his car!

 

Hair dare. April 2, 2010

Filed under: Stupid Bitches,The Working Bitch. — bitchpedia @ 8:03 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Not a good look!

I was signing in at work this morning, when I heard the familiar voice of Slag Co-Worker, saying good morning.

Thank fuck I had my back towards her!

As I started to turn my head towards her, in the corner of my eye, I noticed she was bald (or so I thought).

At that point I thought: crap, don’t look.

Unfortunately my brain was giving my eyes other instructions: ‘go on look at the freak, you no you want to’!

I gave in to my evil voices, and for a split second allowed myself to have a sneaky peak.

It was at this point that I realised, she wasn’t bald

She had in fact dyed her hair urine blonde!

Mental note: Urine blonde is not a good look, unless of course you are going for a part in ‘Baldylocks and The Three Bears’, and then baldy urine blonde should be right up your street!