Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Sir Boss’a’cock meeting. June 9, 2010

My boss proved to me today what an absolute knob jockey he really is.

It’s inset day at my school, what it should actually be called is ‘Moan like a fucker’ day.

So there we all are, well those who were stupid enough not to feign illness, sitting in the conference room just waiting for him to start spouting.

He, my cock of a boss that is, stands in front of us, with his I am God, you will all respect me pose.

Errr… if God is a very small little man, wearing cords, a grey shirt and a very tight gay leather neck chain, then yes, you are he.

So he starts trying to make analogy’s about swans, and how if we don’t fly as one then we will  fail-dick.

We failed Sir boss’a’cock, when you took to the helm and made all those twatish decisions based on your ego.

I look around the room, yes, its official, this bloke is proficient in talking shit and is more effective at sending people to sleep than counting frigging sheep.

The whole room is bored as fuck with all eyes firmly glazed over, except of course Miss Petty Bitch, she’s sitting there in the front row-loser, smiling and nodding I’m left wondering, has she glazed into her robotic sex role. Just nod and smile it will be over very soon!

No, No I think she is actually falling for his bollocks. What a giant petty cock head.

Suddenly I am jolted back to reality.

The Knobhead boss is now standing in front of me swinging ropes and inviting people to join him, 6 people ( Who I have completely lost all respect for now) actually get up and start swinging, me thinks he has other swinging ideas in mind for these folks.

Then after a while, he starts.

The same old shit- no communication, at which point I have to stop myself from shouting out ” Communicate this you twat” (middle finger standing proud).

Seriously, I can’t take much more of this shit.

Everything he is standing up their whining about, originates from him and his cockhead management.

Err…Lead by example you tit.

If only these meetings were more like comedy shows, the more they take the piss the more I can heckle.

I can hear me now…..

” Get your cock out your own arse, cretin”

” Oi, little dick, those fucking heals you’re wearing, make you look like a midget Drag queen”

” That comb over your sporting- grow some balls and shave it off”

Ahhhhh…..one can dream can’t she?

 

A feral break. May 13, 2010

The bell for break time is always a welcome sound.

Off you go kids, go fight and be delinquent out of my eye view.

A well needed coffee is calling.

So I’m catching up on some gossip with a friend.

When in walks Yoda, my ever-increasing purve of a boss.

Yoda: ” Jane, I think we need to give Sarah more support with Jack” (feral boy). By we, I assume you mean, me, as you choose never to leave your lair and actually interact with the kids.

Yoda: “Could you have him in with you for a few days a week”

Feral boy, err…no.

Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m going to have to turn you down on this one.

As tempting as spending hours shut in a room with him is, being barked at and stabbed with pencils.

The idea of having my face chewed on by a Rottweiler is more appealing.

This kid isn’t stupid, in fact his language skills never cease to amaze me.

Only today he flew around the dining hall calling random children ‘fucking dirty whores’.

With his speech impediment, that took some doing.

Mental note: Must mark of speech and language in his assessment file.

 

A lesson in drugs. May 5, 2010

Its time for that old favourite… Its PHSE!

Todays specialist subject. ‘ Drugs and Alcohol ‘ . I can almost hear the kids giving me a whoop, whoop!

Of I go.

Teacher: “Today guys, we are going to talk about ‘Drugs and Alcohol’, lets see what we already know”

There little eyes are bright with excitement. If ‘ Masterminds’ specialist subject was addictions, these kids would be champions!

The air is once again a sea of hands.

Even the normal, mute retards are on fire.

There spitting at the mouth in desperation to speak. ( and thats not got anything to do with there need for speech therapy).

Pupils: ” Beer, wine, Vodka, splif, speed, rock, acid, Jack Daniels”

               ” My dad likes weed”

Crap, this is no longer a lesson, this is fucking boasting.

‘My Dads more addicted than your Dad’

‘My Mums more fucked up than your Mum’

Maybe there is an advantage to having drug addled, moron parents.

 

Zero raspberry tolerants. April 19, 2010

I was waiting for my 6 year old daughter to finish school.

The classroom door opened, all the little darlings piled out. All except for one.

And then it happened, the moment every parent waiting in the playground dreads.

The teacher eyes are on you, she points and mutters those fateful words “could you come in for a minute Mrs Bates”.

At this point every fucker in the playground is looking at you, you with the out of control child! Each parent thinking the same thing  ‘ Thank fuck it isn’t me’ and ‘Wonder what Shes done’ followed by the smug parent look.

Across the playground, doing the walk of shame I go.

I enter the classroom and am jestered to sit on the chair next to my delinquent child.

I look at her, you no the look, the I’m going to kick your arse when we get home ,look.

delinquent child stares firmly at the floor.

The grassing up begins.

Teacher: ” There was a problem in the playground today, Daisy and another child (why do they say that, another child, just tell me the fucking name, I’m going to find out the other kids name, during the 3 hour interrogation that I am already planning in my head) blew a raspberry in a childs face.

Hold the front page, 6-year-old blows raspberry at school, it’ll be gun crime before you no it!

Suddenly I start to feel confused, so she got me in here for that. There must be more to it.

Teacher: “Because of this, Daisy had to spend 20 minutes in year 2 as her punishment”.

I decide to be a good parent, and question my raspberry blowing maniac child.

Mum:” So Daisy what happened”. At this point my child is looking at me, equally confused, raspberries in our house are funny!

Delinquent child: ” Aliesha told me to f-u-c…..”

Mum:” She starts sounding out”, ” Ok, ok you don’t need to sound it out”.

Delinquent child: ” …off, so we blow a raspberry”.

Mum: ” Thank you for filling me in, clearly this ‘other’ child provoked them, but I respect you rules and will speak to Daisy at home”.

             ” I am assuming, the child who swore has been suitably punished?”

Teacher ” Well we didn’t see or hear the other child, so I’m afraid…”

So let me get this right. The sneaky little fucker with a mouth like a toilet, gets away scott free and the age appropriate response gets punished.

What a crock of shite.

I leave hastily. Fucking education system!