Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

A meeting of minds-retarded minds! June 9, 2010

The staffroom was its usual inspiring self today.

I’m sitting there supping on my tea, trying to eat my banana in my most non-sexual way, purve boss is clearly checking out my lip sucking skills.

The Squirrel comes in, her bag bursting with high calorie lardy snacks.

She whips open her foil package,  the smile on her face tells me, she has been waiting for this moment. The whole 2, yes 2 hours since school started this morning.

She reveals two heavily buttered slices of bread, and then cracks open a packet of salt and vinager- declaring “You can’t beat a crisp sandwich” Clearly not, you lard arse.

Just as she’s about to start describing, her love of the deep-fried foods, in walks Dumb arse bitch (DAB).

Am I about to witness the meeting of minds, retarded Nasa of the future?

DAB: ” Oh that looks nice, I haven’t had one of them in ages, my Jake loves a nice sandwich. Problem is, the bread just gets stuck in his brace” This kid must look like one hell of a freak, he has a dodgy eye, a nervous twitch and braces stuffed with last nights dinner. His class mates must be having it on their toes with that kind of material at their finger tips.

The Squirrel: ” I had a brace, I was always getting food stuck in it” I’m surprised you were willing to share your food with your brace- wonders will never siese. ” You need to make sure he brushes his teeth properly” Fuck me she should write a parenting book!

DAB: ” Well I do try. I was doing his teeth last night and I found a bit of  Tuesdays tea in it” That fucking freak could have a whole chicken stuck in his brace and it still wouldn’t detract from his twitching.

The Staffroom a place of intelligent conversation, not in my school, a place where retards are free to express themselves.

The world would be a more retarded place with those muppets educating the young and impressionable.


A donut race. May 4, 2010

Mirage: Some see water. The Squirrel see’s donuts.

As I entered the room, my eyes were met with a vision of fine sugary treats.

Apparently not just mine!

I go to the cupboard and reach for a plate.

Suddenly, a giant arse comes from out of know where, and wham, pushes me out the way.

This could only be ‘The squirrel’.

Shes smelt them from 100 paces, her eyes have plotted the coordinates.

Theres know one and nothing that can stop her now.

I’m left standing, in a state of shock, mixed with pure amazement. And I don’t mind admitting, admiration.

You’ve got to hand it to the woman. She see’s something she wants, and there ain’t nothing that’s gonna get in her way.

Clearly not me anyway.

She approaches the table.

Her eyes light up as she grabs a bag (yes, bag) of donuts, and stashes them in her bag.

Don’t forget your pockets love.

Surely theres room between your pasties!


The Squirrel bowls again. April 22, 2010

It was time for assembly.
Funked up singing practise here we come.
6 kids are chosen to go up the front to demonstrate the actions.
The Squirrels son is chosen.
This is her retard kids finest hour, it an oscar moment for her family!
She sits in front of me.
Him looking at her, her looking at him.
Both staring lovingly (weirdly) into each others eyes.
This is some weird shit.
Beaming with pride she stares at her beautiful boy, he smiles back with a coy look in his eye.
errrrrrr….. is know one seeing what I’m seeing.
The retard kid is standing up there looking like something out of ‘ Dumb and Dumber ‘.
WTF has happened to his hair.
He’s been squirreled!
Shes used a bowl to cut his fucking hair.
This is school suicide.
If the kids don’t take the piss, I know I will- we’re talking bowl cut city.


Milestone Birthday Cards April 1, 2010

Every Birthday is Special, but Some are Milestones!

Dumb Arse Bitch is moaning…again!

“I can’t find a 49th birthday card anywhere. Madness init? I mean they got 16, 18, 21, 30…I even saw a 40 one, but no 49ers”

I point out that 49 is not one of the milestone birthdays. But this makes DAB quite upset.

“Well it’s fucking important to me. Your just being racist against 49 year olds. Your a racist…racist…racist!” She begins to chant in the middle of the fucking staffroom.

What a fucking cretin!

But she’s screaming it out and pointing at me: “Racist…racist!”

The Squirrel who is sitting two seats away, turns to me and mutters: “Don’t worry my husbands in the BNP”

WTF! Oh great…I’m now expecting a private invite to the next Klu Klux Klan convention!

Normally I would not bother to clarify the meaning of a word to DAB, but on this occassion I felt it necessary…I need to shut the bitch up! I explain to DAB that the word she is looking for is ageist. And make it very, very clear…using simple toddler language, that I am not one of those either!

Mental Note To Self: Never talk to Dumb Arse Bitch again!


The Squirrel Diaries! March 29, 2010

Do you think it possible that this gave birth to a genius?

The squirrel had the nerve to sit there and say that her rude little fucker of a son only got into the most sort after school in town, and then went on to say:

“Its good cos that way he can be the clever one at school and act cool at the weekend with his mates”.

What the fuck, I’ve seen brainier badgers than that muppet!

You can take the boy out of the council, but you can’t take the council out of the boy!

Read more about The Squirrel


The Squirrel – what a Whoreder! March 24, 2010

Filed under: Stupid Bitches,The Working Bitch. — ibitch @ 5:36 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

Beware The Squirrel...what a Whoreder!

I work with a whoreder. The greediest bitch on Earth! The problem has become so acute that we have nicknamed her The Squirrel.

Brit Bitches Dictionary Definition:


n. Slovenly lazy bitch that’s stores communal food from the staffroom for her sole consumption at a future moment in time.

v. whored-ed, whored-ing, whoreds

“Stale tortilla chips, banana or biscuit?” The Squirrel muses. Her podgy claws hover over all three.

How about the fucking Ginsters pasty in your bag…why don’t you fucking eat that and leave some for the rest of us?

The Squirrel: “Decisions, decisions!”

Just take the fucking lot, you know you want to!

Finally she decides and stuffs her man hand into the bowl of stale tortilla chips. A few spill over the edges of the bowl, not to worry…The Squirrel licks a grubby finger and dabs them up. Nice…!

Within seconds she works her way onto the biscuits and for good measure slips a banana and a few more bicies into her bag.

Then…then, she pulls out her sodding Ginsters and devours that too!

I don’t know if she does it cos she just has to have something for nothing. Or if it’s because she doesn’t want to think that anybody else is getting. But, whatever the fucking reason it makes her look like the most avaricious fuck on the planet. In a previous life she was obviously an MP with a huge expense list.