Brit Bitches

practising the art of bitchary Brit style

Just say NO! May 18, 2010

Maybe I’m just a little to protective.

But I have just watched a woman give her two-year old chewing gum.

Now, I don’t mean to be judge mental ( even thought , I am bloody good at it), but that’s fucking stupid.

Errrr, love. Have you ever heard of choking??

Or did you miss that parenting class.

Along with the one about telling your fucking kid, NO now and again.

Maybe just maybe, that’s why the world is full of obnoxious childish twats.

Because, Mummy never said NO.

Get the tit out of your mouth, he’s a big boy now and tell him fucking NO!

Deal with it now.

Or this dickhead ain’t ever gonna get a girlfriend.

 No self respecting girl is gonna want  a bloke who spits the dummy everytime she says NO!

 

A feral break. May 13, 2010

The bell for break time is always a welcome sound.

Off you go kids, go fight and be delinquent out of my eye view.

A well needed coffee is calling.

So I’m catching up on some gossip with a friend.

When in walks Yoda, my ever-increasing purve of a boss.

Yoda: ” Jane, I think we need to give Sarah more support with Jack” (feral boy). By we, I assume you mean, me, as you choose never to leave your lair and actually interact with the kids.

Yoda: “Could you have him in with you for a few days a week”

Feral boy, err…no.

Thanks for the offer, but I think I’m going to have to turn you down on this one.

As tempting as spending hours shut in a room with him is, being barked at and stabbed with pencils.

The idea of having my face chewed on by a Rottweiler is more appealing.

This kid isn’t stupid, in fact his language skills never cease to amaze me.

Only today he flew around the dining hall calling random children ‘fucking dirty whores’.

With his speech impediment, that took some doing.

Mental note: Must mark of speech and language in his assessment file.

 

Cannonball demolition.

Filed under: Men Are Muppets,Random Crap — bitchpedia @ 7:46 pm
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The sun is shining.

The temperature is hot.

Lets do some gardening. (I know, not quite as exciting as it first sounded)

The people who previously owned our house had a weird fetish for kerb stone bordering.

I know we all have fetishes, but, kerbstones-really???

I literally have pavement kerb stones borders all around my garden. I tell you, ‘The concrete jungle’ ain’t got nothing on this plot of ground.

We attack them at first light with all the power of a randy bison.

With spades in hand, I start hanging off my spade, lets face it if my vast bulk can’t shift them, they’re here for keeps.

My mother having already suggested we keep them as a feature.

If the look I was going for was ‘ring road city centre’, with that feature I’d be on to a winner.

It’s no good, they will not be moved.

I see my hubby looking around for some inspiration, these kerbstones are no match for ‘King Kong’ over there.

He stops, and I see his eyes light up at the sight of two cannonballs sitting in the garden.

He picks one up, and then without warning , starts lobbing it at the kerbstones, like Zola Bud on acid.

What the fuck is he doing, the neighbours are going to think he’s escaped for the local mental asylum.

I look at him, a grin on his face, clearly he’s enjoying himself, a little too much.

Hubby: ” Look its working, there be smashed up in no time ” What, before the men in white suits cart you away.

Wife: ” I’ll go in, as you seem to have it covered out here”

Hubby: ” Can you just stay out and help me pick the bits up” I don’t fucking think so matey, all the time your practising your prehistoric bowling, I’m keeping well out-of-the-way.

Mental note: If  husband declares his hammer isn’t big enough, he ain’t talking about his love hammer. Back away quick, and stay indoors.

 

SILENCE! May 6, 2010

Today I have observed the teacher from hell A.K.A Little Miss Petty Bitch.

A child coughs she starts screaming at them to ‘respect her’.

What, like your husband does?

God help the child that doesn’t put their hand up. That recieves the “You are making me ill with all your rudeness” treatment, complete with witchy finger poked in their face.

Personally I think she should be focussing on her own identity crisis, rather than those of the children that are not even hers! But who am I?

Like the repressed nun that she is, silence is golden in her world. In fact it is the only thing she expects of the poor little bastards in her class. Can they read? Some of them. Can they add up and take-away? Fuck it who cares! Can they be quiet? She makes sure of it.

Today two boys had a ‘silent’ fight at their desks and that was fine.

A table of girls have become accomplished lip readers and had a full on ‘silent’ conversation throughout Miss Petty Bitches lesson input. But it was OK, they didn’t make any noise.

But I especially liked it when she praised a boy who had dozed off to the land of nod, for ‘doing good listening’.

No…no…HE WAS ASLEEP!

The whole class protested.

“He was sleeping”

“Miss his eyes were closed…”

“…yeah and his head fell back”

“SILENCE! All of you have lost your playtime”

Oh, apart from sleeping boy, he can have a sticker!

 

The Sloth parent. April 29, 2010

It makes me so cross. Grrrrrrrr

I was in the classroom, when in walked two of the persistently late kids.

“Sorry I’m late” she drones from the door. ” My dad wants to talk to you”.

Crap!  

The mans a fucking prick.

I smile and say ok, secretly thinking, if he wanted to speak to me then he should try getting his lazy fat arse out of bed earlier and speak to me before school. Rather than interrupt the entire class.

Twat!

Up I get, trying to take in multiple gulps of air.

My nazel passages are about to be violated.

I leave the room and sure enough, standing in front of me is the giant, dirty sloth of a man (I use the term man loosely, he’s more pig cross skunk beast ).

I deliberately stand as far back as possible, he fucking stinks, his humongous gut bulging over the top of his trousers and hanging out the bottom of his stained top.

I don’t want to make eye contact with him, but where do I look, he has dried toothpaste all around his mouth ( which kind of shocks me, so this family do have personal cleaning products who’d have thought it).

He starts moaning.

“Kileys brother as been given a behaviour book”  Yes, that’s because your shit parenting has made him feral.

” Kiley is feeling really left out, cause he keeps getting stuff when he’s good, and she don’t. So we were thinking, she could hav one as well” – No, fuckwitt, she can’t. I have better things to do with my time than panda to your fucking kids whims, cause you can’t control them.

I explain politely ( which pains me ) , that wasn’t possible due to the fact that she wasn’t badly behaved at school, yes, that’s right loser, she behaves for us because we have these little things called boundaries.

” He looks confused, maybe I used too many big words ”

Mental note: Keep language to 10 letter words or less.

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Sorry they were late, I got pulled over by the police cause I had 4 kids in the back. I don’t know what there problem is cause Tyler is only small”

Fuck me this man really is a moron!

Me: ” It doesn’t matter how big the children are, its down to the fact that you only have three seatbelts in the back. Even if they are really, really small, you can still only have 3 humans in the back of the car”  You have to ask yourself, should these people really be allowed to bare children?

Smelly fuckwitt parent: ” Yerrrr, maybe”  No, not fucking maybe freak. positively yes you cretinous freak.

Why the fuck am I wasting my time.

I end the conversation.

Life is too fucking short!

Somebody fucking shoot me.

 

Not another veggie in the making! April 27, 2010

Watch out, meat eating 6 year old about!

So I’m standing at the sink.

When  my lovely daughter pipes up….

Daughter: “Mummy it would be good to live on a farm, wouldn’t it”

Mother: ” Would it, why”  I’m thinking, really, all that shit and mud everywhere, my heels would never survive!

Daughter: “Because you would never run out of things to eat, you could collect the chickens eggs and make cakes and dinner”

Mother: “Thats right darling”. Wow, how very organic of her. Bless her, how innocent.

Daughter: ” Then you could shoot a lamb or kill a cow…..”

WTF!!!!

My angelic 6 year old is a disturbed freak!

Mother: ” We could yes……..or we could grow some crops ( and stop the mass murder of hundreds of live stock!), and make lots of soup”

Daughter: ” We could eat the pigs as well, I love bacon”  She said with a rather disturbing lick of the lips.

For fuck sake girl, enough of the animal slaughter.

Mental note: Keep the dog away from young cannibal daughter!

 

Bi-polar Lesbian. April 26, 2010

Freaky staring=one weird bitch.

Mondays come around all to quickly.
Knowone looks forward to them.
So what you don’t need is your jumped up bitch boss, launching abuse at you as soon as you walk through the door.

Give a bitch a title and she is going to rise to the occasion.

My boss seems to think that this gives her the right to rant and rave to everyone.
She spends most of her time with Miss Petty Bitch stuck at her arse.
I think she likes it.

These pair have a really dodgy relationship.
Lovers tifts are a regular occurance in their relationship!

Not only does my boss have freak rude outbursts, she also has this weirdo stare thing going on.
She just stares at you and then smiles weirdly.
WTF woman are you eyeing me up, cause my sence of style ain’t that eye capturing.

Why the funk can’t people just be normal.
Not insanely angry and rude one minute and then sickly arse suckingly nice, the next.

This bitch needs some booty action.
Clearly she ain’t getting enough of something!